HomeGrown, by Steph Durwin

HomeGrown

by Steph Durwin

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1.	my sacred secret 03:11	lyrics	buy track
My sacred secret sat inside a buried box it was buried back in the woods of my mind on particularly weird weeks i'd find the overgrown path to it and walk but one day my family caught me with mud on my shoes "what were you just digging up?" they asked accusingly "you don't want to know" I said, and bitterly I slammed the door. the only thing left of my sercret was its memory and i was confused did my secret happen was it all a dream well, i couldn't in that house explore it nothing i could say would warrant such a venture from the norm but one day years later i'd moved, i'd worked, I'd lived i sat one night tucked behind my laptop screen i searched the web for courage and i searched it for me and i found both so now, like an open source encyclopedia i'm sharing my sacred secret but if my secret isn't secret anymore does that mean it's no longer sacred? am i sacrificing divinity by living in truthful honesty i still straddle, i still battle the answer sometimes but if i don't share through this story, advertising locally, you'll never know the beauty of this type of lived complexity the harmonics of others like me, we create the most beautiful chord and if you still don't have a clue what the hell i'm hinting at please sit back and let yourself learn about what I've gone through
2.	wait it out 04:04	lyrics	buy track
If you don’t feel confident today And you already meditated And you already drank a glass of water And you already exercized and showered Gotta wait it out My brother’s canoe blew away in a wind storm But it landed in a lake so it was kinda going home And my heart did that once When i dressed my chest in bandage cloth I never felt healthier But it made my lungs cough Gotta wait it out Cloudy boy, angry boy, stormy head Don’t ya know that you should probably go to bed Hunkered down in the calm of an idea Like the eye of an anticipation Wipe your brow, sit down, have a stretch Watch the game while you rest on the bench Cheer your mates while they score and defend You can play once you catch your breath Gotta wait it out
3.	the edge 03:02	lyrics	buy track
I’m sitting on the edge of the couch Waiting for your text You call me girl, not knowing who i am or Who i will be next I cut my hair for my mother’s sake In another life, i shaved it off The tight genes that my mother gave me Will never represent entirely What i actually feel when I step into the bath See my naked body glisten In the lonely light of street lamps My achy, phony menstral cramps Are bloating toward my vision And please listen, I’m not fishing to destroy your perception But this binary conception Makes me prickly with fear
4.	she was really me 02:52	lyrics	buy track
I went walking Down the road Across the town Out of my mind To find the girl Who used to be mine As it turns out She never was I surveyed the land Gazed at my hand Holding a compass Up to my eye The needle turned as I turned I didn’t know why I was dizzy From all the change She used to say my name in her head She used to lay in my lonely twin bed But she was really me Along my quest Blind-folded breasts And a shifting scale Of pros and cons They teetered around Left then right Into place They fell She used to choose Which words to express She was anxious Until she confessed That she was really me Now I’m picking up all the weight Off of the measurement tray She was really me
5.	devil for an attitude 02:16	lyrics	buy track
Dysphoria hit, it was 2 in the morning I was losing my cool. It was summer time My baby wanted me to touch her curvey hips But when you grabbed mine I lost it Come back to me she said My better angels tried to fight it But they gave up on me and i accrued A devil for an attitude I was looking in the mirror when I was stoned I saw my roommates aftershave cologne I saw my tits, they were mine, homegrown Well if i am a farmer I’m an actor on the weekends Get back to work they said My better angels tried to fight it But they gave up on me and i approved A devil for an attitude Please just take me home Just Take me home Just Take me home I am not the kid you think you know Please just take me home Take me home Take me home I am not the kid you think you know
6.	don't shoot the messenger 03:58	lyrics	buy track
When you’re ready to commit To listening to yourself Find a seat that is moonlit With Kentucky bourbon straight Put away your references You will not need them for this Think about who you would be Without censorship ornate The builder of the universe cares not where you go So don’t shoot the messenger If you don’t like what it brings Composed of your desire Gentle language is like spring Sunshine warming up your skin You’re okay, honey, you’re alright Your strength out performs for sight Loyalty to selflessness Isn’t martyrdom, it’s sin The builder of the universe cares not where you go So don’t shoot the messenger The builder of the universe cares not where you go So don’t shoot Don’t shoot Don’t shoot the messenger
7.	what i wish you'd say 03:04	lyrics	buy track
I’m so sorry If it didn’t seem Like i had enough love to send your way I struggled With some awful things And i know i seem to always But now i’m on my knees like a priest when he prays That’s what i wish you’d say When you told me You were different It triggered the night my parents died Cuz what i pictured For your little life Was suddenly demagnified But once the shock eased from my mind i was coo That’s what i wish you’d do My oldest He always seemed to know What he wanted out of life And he stayed true Through all this time Even when he was going through strife But you were different, more complex, more free That’s how i wish you’d be
8.	knuckles are white 02:40	lyrics	buy track
Do you ever feel like your knuckles are white Your grip is slipping but you try to hold on tight But you are secretly Flipping out and sheepishly You run back to the memory That makes ya smile fiendishly Think back to that time You thought you had a god You think back to the time You landed that job And you started paying back your student loans You bought yourself some curtains And you chuckled cuz you felt old Look at you, you’re swimming Like dorie used to tell you so Well i know you got this my friend I’m reading up on the news and man i’m feeling sick Politics and poverty and hurricanes and war And now i’m waking up Early cuz i want to get A good spot on the bus And try not to be upset I think back to that time I thought i had a god I think back to that time I landed that job And i started paying back my student loans I bought myself some curtains And i chuckled cuz i felt old Look at me i’m swimming like dorie used to tell me so Well i know i got this my friend
9.	mayor of my psyche 01:43	lyrics	buy track
While you were shaking hands and kissing babies I was stumbling through an eternal february But like a miracle or unexpected plot twist I got to where i am now I’m running for mayor of my psyche And i really want to win If i send you a christmas card Will you put it on your fridge? And so far the campaign is tight All my parts say they’re undecided There’s an old man from a different generation Telling me i’m being short sighted
10.	nothing is possible 03:29	lyrics	buy track
Nothing is possible If you’re under a bell jar Nothing is possible Without embracing the bizarre Nothing is possible If you copy all your friends Nothing is possible Until you trust yourself again I was born In a church In the spring Like a flower from the earth And as i grew My branches spread And the collective pew Became my bed And i started to dream about Who i would become Maybe a detective Maybe a nun Maybe a father Maybe a son Or maybe i would become none of those things because Nothing is possible If you’re under a bell jar Nothing is possible Without embracing the bizarre Nothing is possible If you copy all your friends Nothing is possible Until you trust yourself again Over time I thought i lost my mind My thoughts were pesticide I acted out of line My role wasn’t defined My energy was anemic and al of my actions were not intended and i started to dream about who i would become maybe an asshole maybe a bum maybe a statistic with a loaded gun or maybe i would become none of those things because Nothing is possible If you’re under a bell jar Nothing is possible Without embracing the bizarre Nothing is possible If you copy all your friends Nothing is possible Until you trust yourself again

about

Steph started recording this album before he started his physical transition from female to male.

The album starts with his old voice, and slowly starts to duet with his new voice. By the end of the album, his new voice takes the lead.

The album tells the story of what he went through in deciding to transition, and ends on an encouraging note for others in the same position.